orzo chicken stir-fry

if I thought last night was adlibbing, tonight was like playing madlib with a 3 year old--my options were so severely limited that it was comical. no rosemary, no milk, no regular pasta. it's not the prettiest dish, but it did the job. this is one of those recipes that I'm going to give you what I had on hand. please substitute as necessary. 

2 bowls of orzo stir-fry
1 chicken breast
1/2 onion
1/2 lemon
1/2 orange bell pepper
4 cloves garlic
butter
orzo pasta
chicken broth
salt
pepper
cayenne
thyme
paprika
parmesan cheese
1/4 up heavy cream
splash of sushi vinegar

• pour your orzo into a pot and fill with chicken broth instead of water. put it on a burner and let it boil until the pasta is done. 
• while that's going on, heat your oil and toss in sliced chicken breast with spices and butter. let it cook for 4-5 minutes.
• add in the onion, garlic, and bell pepper, and let everything cook for another 3-4 minutes. your chicken should be fully cooked. 
• drain the orzo and add it to the chicken/veggies. knock the heat to med-low and add the sushi vinegar and squeeze the juice out of the lemon half.
• now it's a stir fry--stir it occasionally for another 3-4 minutes. add in the cream and cheese, let it fry for a little more, and you're good.

microwave monster

"I thought the microwave ate my food

...turns out I'd just microwaved an empty container"

spicy lemon chicken alfredo

leaving for a week for thanksgiving means I get to start throwing whatever I have in my fridge into a pan and find a name for it. I had a bunch of cheese and half&half cream, which obvi screams alfredo, and I was only too happy to comply.

be warned, if this dish was a person, it'd be bill gates--richest pasta dish I've made in a long time.

4-5 bowls of spicy lemon chicken alfredo
4 cloves garlic
1/4 onion
1/2 red bell pepper
2 serrano peppers
1 chicken breast
4-5tblsp lemon juice
salt
pepper
paprika
cayenne
shitton of rosemary
3tblsp butter
1.5 cups half&half
2 cups pepperjack cheese
1 cup parmesan cheese

• heat up your oil on medium then kick it to med-high and toss in onions, garlic, bell peppers, and serrano peppers. sautee those babies for 4-5 minutes.
• add the chicken, lemon juice, butter, and spices to the party and let it cook fully.
• knock the heat down to low and pour in half&half. once the half&half is heated, add cheeses and stir to mix and melt.
• pour it over some fettucini and you're ready to sink into a couch. 

play with how much of each spice you add based on your preferences. adding other spices, like curry, cumin, thyme/basil/oregano will change the flavor profile, but only slighty--the cheese is pretty overbearing. it's rich, but it'll fill you up and it reheats well.

lime chicken taco... bowls

all I wanted was some tacos. lo and behold, we had no shells. now, I'm not a huge nachos fan--too messy even for me... I'm not an animal, so I decided to turn it into a taco cereal type deal. bear with me.

2 bowls of lime chicken taco cereal

1 chicken breast

3 cloves garlic (super diced)

1/4 onion (super diced)

1tsp salt

1tsp pepper

2-3tsp paprika

1-2tsp cayenne

1/2tsp curry powder

pinch of rosemary

1-2tsp lime juice

handful of cheese or two

can of golden sweet corn

handful of tortilla chips

whatever the hell else you like on your tacos

• dice up that chicken breast into small pieces, we're talking a cubic inch or less. once your oil is heated, kick the heat to medium-high and throw in your chicken and all the spices, including the lime juice. sautee that beauty for 3-5 minutes, until it's mostly cooked through.
• add in your diced garlic and onion, and continue sauteeing on med-high heat for another 5 minutes. when you first put the onions in, they're going to release their water--it's cool. let them embarass themselves. keep sauteeing it until the onion-garlic combo loses most of its moisture and is clinging to the chicken. 
• while this is going on, cook the corn
• divide your chicken/onion mixture between two bowls, layer with corn, cheese, crushed tortilla chips and whatever else yor heart desires. 

fun fact: you can totally replace the crushed tortilla chips with a taco shell. or you could be brave and turn it into nachos be reversing the layering order. add more veggies, take the onion out, add sour cream or salsa, cilantro if you're a fascist. 

when someone tells me they don't like garlic

why I try to avoid using the oven

when someone who's been drinking tells me "I got this" in the kitchen

arrabiata sauce

tomato sauces are one of those beautiful things that you have to try really hard to fuck up. they're easy to please, easy to master, and will grow with your skill level. you can make it quick and dirty or let it simmer for hours, and it'll be stupidly delicious either way.

fire pasta (or angry/arrabiata sauce for purists) for dinner was a last minute decision, so we're bucking the trend of day-long simmering sessions and jumping straight into the action packed part. be aware that with serranos, it's a slow burning heat that compounds on itself.

2-3 servings of fire pasta
1/2 of the following:
      red onion (super diced... or just diced, if you're into            that)
      red bell pepper (super diced)
      green bell pepper (super diced)
2-4 serrano peppers (super diced)
5 monster cloves of garlic (super diced)
3-5 cups of tomato puree (more puree, more saucy)
1/8-1/2 cup half&half
1-2tblsp balsamic vinegar
1tblsp lemon juice
salt
pepper
cayenne
a shitton of rosemary
1/2 tsp cinnamon (this is the only one I'll give you a max measurement for... don't get too excited with it)

• heat up some olive oil on medium-high heat and toss in the onion and bell peppers. keep them moving for 5 or so minutes, then add the garlic and serrano peppers. don't go get distracted and let it all burn, another 5 minutes (with stirring) is all you need.
• drop the heat to medium-low and add as much tomato puree as your heart desires. I like mine like a saucy wench, but if you want less, it's your party. 
• add in all your spices, vinegar, lemon juice, and half&half. start off slow, add in small amounts until you're happy with how it tastes. do be cautious with the cinnamon and salt--those two are easier than the others to be overpowering. 

oregano, basil, thyme, and sage would be sick in this type of sauce too. I've made it with carrots, white wine, red wine, curry powder, sugar, an anchovie... shit, almost everything can go in this. this just happens to be what I cooked tonight. boil up some pasta and you're good to go. 

sweet caroline

"i forgot to check the microwave before i put the quesadilla in and turned it on. 

know what was in there?

a metal fork and loaded mashed potatoes.

that's what was in there."

you tried

chicken laksa soup

it should be noted that I'm a finnicky-as-fuck eater. cooking is my way to deal with it, but for those who don't give two shits on how big the onion chunks are, remember that this is just a guideline.

please, fuck with my recipes. 

with that out of the way, let's get malaysian up in this bitch.

4-5 bowls of chicken laksa soup 

2 chicken breast (diced)

1 large shallot (super diced)

4 big ass cloves garlic (super diced)

1-8 serrano chiles (protip: if you don't like spicy, don't put in more than 2. also super diced)

1 lime (just the juice)

4 cups chicken broth

1 can coconut milk

1-2tblsp of the following:

        black pepper

        salt

        cumin

        fennel seeds

        turmeric

1tsp cinnammon

2tsp sugar

• throw some olive oil in a pan and heat it on medium. when you or your oil is ready (whichever comes first), throw in the chicken, garlic, shallots, and the italicized spices.
• stir that shit while it sautees for 5ish minutes--chicken probably won't be done, that's fine. don't be a dumbass and eat it right now though.
• pour in your broth and coconut milk, add the cinnammon and sugar to the party too. if you're not a huge coconut fan, use half the can or less.  
• let all the players get to know eachother in a nice, low-heat simmer for a good 20 minutes. don't interrupt. in fact, cover the pan so they get some privacy.
• squeeze in some lime juice, and your soup's done. 

I happen to have a super sweet rice cooker, which means damn near every meal gets rice incorporated into it. if you're feeling noodles, have at it. if you're feeling both, have at that too. regardless of what starch you use, mix it and the soup only when you're about to eat it (try to store it mixed and you'll have a mushy pile of shit where there once was soup). 

if you're feeling frisky, throw in some other veggies. get asian with it. dial up the spices a notch. add fish sauce. maybe shrimp paste. or cilantro if you're a communist. 

great expectations

how I imagine this blog is going to go

how I feel now that other people can see this

on the bright side, I imagine this is all you expect from me right now